Just deserts

It will come as no surprise, I suppose, that Totally Awesome Computers has shut it's doors. Likewise, it will surprise no one that the demise of the company is NOT the fault of the owner, Dell Schanze. But Super Dell, being the super person that we all know, has found a way to exceed our expectations. He is, Super nuts.

Seriously.

From the truth is stranger than fiction files, here are the actual quotes that will prove my point.

"It's too bad that all of the media in Utah are liars and murderers," he said. "You just destroyed the greatest computer company of all time. We were the best in the world, the world champion. All this hatred was created by you. You're basically angels of Satan. All I can say to the people in Utah is, please pray for all the news people."

Liar and murderers! Strong accusations, coming from a man who will soon go to trial (May 10th) for brandishing a weapon. But I'm sure it's the fault of the angels of Satan that the stores closed. Not the 50% decline in sales in the last year.

"I'm doing everything I can to make sure my employees are taken care of and, even more importantly, that all of my customers that I've made promises to, even if I have to perform miracles, are taken care of so no one's services are interrupted,"

Gosh. Is it too late for me to get one of these world champion computers with the Miracle Guarantee?

And in case you missed the gun story, it seems that Dell was on his way to go para-gliding one day with his 8 year-old daughter. Some local residents took offense at his driving at 75 MPH through their neighborhood, and pursued him to the Point of the Mountain. When they confronted him, he pointed a Glock 10mm at them. Or maybe he just showed it to them. Or maybe he didn't do anything at all. Perhaps it was the other gun in his ankle holster. It's hard to tell, as his story has changed. I guess we'll see in May. Never the less, Dell is always ready with a quote and on this occasion he let fly with these two gems.

"This was a very simple case of freakin' psycho road ragers. They didn't like how I was driving and they came after me."

"It's just astronomically, ludicrously insane to tell the community that it's not OK to defend yourself"

Yes, Dell. I'm sure this is just the sort of thing the Founding Fathers had in mind when they wrote the Second Amendment. Defending one's right to drive double the speed limit through a residential neighborhood.

Black People Love Me.

I've been carrying this website in my mental list for years, but it only came back to my consciousness recently.

http://www.blackpeopleloveus.com/

I suspect that my black friends (both of them) will have one of 3 reactions.
1.) Dude, you are one racist idiot.
2.) Hey, that's kinda hillarious.
3.) Yes, this is funny, but more so because you think that you are hip because you get the joke.

If it turns out that the answer is 3, then I'll just go into the corner and sulk.
(No I won't. I'm a misanthrope, I'll just have more people to hate.)

Be sure to read the testimonials. That's probably the best part.

And while we are on the subject, if this ISN'T funny, then can someone please explain why Dave Chappelle is? Or Carlos Mencia? Or Chris Rock?
(OK, nevermind about Chris Rock. He's just not nearly as funny as he is loud).

For further reading, here is what the authors said about the site.

I suppose I could write a whole long form article about how this does or does not apply to me, since I was raised in a 100% white environment, but I'll wait to see which way the wind is blowing after I publish.

(Final post script) As I write this, I swear I'm telling the truth, the Black Eyed Peas came up on the iTunes. How can anyone not love something that funky?

The EMC Effect

My friend John forwards this picture, with accompanying text...

"Universal AC units

Fits all Makes & Models, call today to order yours."

This spawned a bit of a discussion among the people that he forwarded to. I'll recreate the interesting bits here.
Bear with me folks, I'm going somewhere with this.

John: "I took this picture down at the company parking lot. Too bad I couldn't
get the license plate in the shot.

Whoever's it is has an "I love EMC" sticker on it."

Scott: "It's my wife's ride. She used to date the EMC rep."

Mike: "Thank you Scott!

Got Windex? I need to wipe the coffee off of my screen..."

Scott: No but EMC will give you some free. You just have to pay $90k a month maintenance....

Rick: ....to get a bunch of contracted services to write up a procedure
to apply the windex. For $250,000, you get a 1st cleaning.

John: I think if you look closely at the picture again you'll see the vehicle
owner as he looks over his shoulder backing out.

Rumor has it that this was a former employee. Unfortunately for
him, his dream job was lost after the merger.

Mike: That is rich...

You guys better watch it or we'll all get outsourced...er...wait...never
mind...


OK, guys. That's all well and good, but I took a closer look at the picture, and that's not an EMC Chiller at all.

That's a NetWind 840. It's not a bad cooler, but it only cools the back seat.

What you NEED is the EMC in-dash model. The Chillmetrix 1000. These run about $1.5 million, but with your discount, that will only be about $999,000. Plus, you will need to upgrade the engine to about 500-600 cubic inches.
Oh. And you will need to buy installation services from EMC. That's another $400K, but on the bright side, it will be installed in only 3 months. And you will get a nice document that explains how it was installed a few months after that.
And an I love EMC sticker.
Oh. I almost forgot. There is an urgent patch that needs to be applied. I think you might be able to install that yourself, but it would be better if you had one of our guys install it. He can be there next Friday.
Lastly, you can get by with what you have, but you really need to buy a copy of EMC Chill-Center to adjust the fan, temp, and monitor the results. That will run you $50K plus PS dollars. And you will need to install the steering and accel/brake interface kit so that the Chillmetrix can pull over to a pay phone if it starts to see any problems with the compressor or Freon. Don't worry, the steering interface almost never causes any other problems. And the Freon is free for customers with the $90K maintenance contract.

Hope that helps.

Shall I send the TC over to have a meeting to discuss how many you will be buying?

25 Years and counting...

Way back in the early 80's, when I still had beautifully feathered hair and Angel Flight pants, I met a gal with an enormous brown curly mane.

Long story short, she took pity on me and we got hitched.

Twenty-five years later, she continues to allow me to hang around, although I'm sure that at this point, it is less out of pity and more out of morbid curiosity.

In honor of this milestone I present my top ten reasons to stick with Kellie.

10

She listens to me talk about work and pretends to care.

9

She listens to me talk to my brothers about airplanes for hours and occasionally pretends to care.

8

She lets me listen to Willie or Rockabilly, and pretends NOT to care.

7

She pays all my bills and makes sure I always have cash.

6

Doesn't freak out when I change jobs.

5

Rarely makes fun of my increasingly soft body.

4

Only freaks out a little when I'm gone for months on end.

3

Doesn't hold it against me when I don't buy her Christmas gifts. For the 10th year in a row.

2

Gets better looking every year. Trust me, I've been watching her since she was a teenager, and she is now at the apex of her beauty.

1

Pulls me out of whatever stupid jam I've currently mired myself in.

She is the Jeeves to my Bertie Wooster.

"In fact, this looks like being another of your successes. I've always said, and I always shall say, that for sheer brain power, Jeeves, you stand alone. All the other great thinkers of the age are simply in the crowd, watching you go by."

"Thank you very much, sir. I endeavour to give satisfaction."

P.G. Wodehouse - Jeeves in the Springtime.




Yes, Jeeves, you stand alone.

I Nihon-gin

We got our latest Japanese student yesterday and I have to say, this one promises to be a real joy. Keisuke is polite, in that understated way that is nearly universal to the Japanese people. He seems to understand English as well or better than any of the other students we have had so far. Truly impressive for a child of 13 years.

As expected, he brought gifts. Lots of them. He was barely able to wait until we arrived home to start the gift giving. All the boys got socks with the separate big toe, for wearing flip-flops. Kitch and Mikayla got English-Japanese readers. They feature some of the simplest of "jokes", but they seem to be overjoyed by the humor.

Speaking of jokes, it never occurred to me how amusing it is that both Kellie and I have names that no Japanese speaker can pronounce. I've been laughing all day at how frustrated Kellie gets when I call her Kerrie.

Yup. I just said it again. Still funny.

Tonight we will see if he can choke down the pot stickers that we tend to call gyoza, but which, in fact, bear little resemblance to the real thing. Keis told me that his prefecture is famous for their green tea. I suspect that he has tea in his suitcase that he wants to gift to someone and is looking for me to show interest. I, unfortunately, missed my cue, and tried valiantly to explain that I like the tea, but I don't drink it frequently. Too late. Nevertheless, I will certainly NOT be subjecting him to the monstrosity that the Lipton company puts in their Green Tea package.