MMMmmm...... "Chili"

As most of you know, I was a guest of the city of Cincinnati for several months last year. As most of you heard they have a concoction there that they call Chili. This is confusing to most people, because the stuff that they make there is pronounced and spelled the same as the stuff that Hormel and Nalley make.

This confusion is especially pronounced when one wanders into a Gold Star chili in one's first week in Cinci and orders a couple of coney dogs. Your first bite will come as something of a surprise. This stuff is similar to real chili only in the fact that it contains ground beef, tomato sauce and some chili powder. Most particularly, it contains a few pinches of spices that should NEVER be put in chili. I'm not mentioning any names, but I'm looking at you, allspice.

One of the delightful aspects of this chili, and eventually you will find a few, is that it is always served over a bed of spaghetti and topped with about an inch of finely shredded Cheddar cheese. (Two inches if you wink at the waitress.) (No, I'm not exagerating).

As shocking as the Cincinnati Chili experience is, it has a tendency to get under your skin and grow on you. Unlike, say, Atheletes Foot, you tend to accept and embrace this malady. After you have eaten Cinci-chili about twice a week for a month, you will be hooked. This addiction is greatly assisted by the fact that there is a chili restaraunt on nearly every corner in Cinci. (I also suspect that it is enhanced by adding copious amounts of crack cocaine, but I can't prove that).

One unique aspect of the chili is that, although there are 2 major chains and two somewhat minor chains vying for business in the city, they all have identical recipes and virtually identical menus. You can quite literaly walk into any restaraunt and order without consulting the menu. The uniformity of the chili recipe also speeds the completion of the addiction process.

Interestingly, after as little as three days away from CVG, most locals will begin to crave it. I haven't been to Cinci in 8 months, so my chili jones has got me bad. After a bit of research on the internet, I came up with a recipe for the chili. (As a quick aside, I found 7 different recipes in about 5 minutes. They seem to agree on only about 4 ingredients.) I made up a batch today. It is dogone close to the real thing. Herewith, my recipe for Cinci Chili.

2 lbs ground beef
2 large onions, finely diced
1 tbl crushed garlic
1 15oz can of tomato sauce
2 tbl chili powder
1 tsp cayenne pepper (optional)
1 tsp allspice
1 tsp cumin
1 tbl cocoa powder
2 tbl cinnamon
1/2 tsp pepper
1/2 tsp white pepper
1 tsp salt
2 tbl cider vinegar
1 tbl worchestershire sauce

In a heavy pot, lightly brown the beef, and saute the onions and garlic. Add the tomato sauce and the rest of the ingredients. Bring to a boil and then simmer for two hours. Yes, I said two hours.
Serve over a bed of spaghetti and top with a bunch of finely shredded cheddar.

Some notes.

Although this recipe is darn close, here are some things that I may change next time.
It's a little hotter than the real thing. I may eliminate the cayenne pepper. I'm not sure about the salt. I started with 1/2 tsp and added some until it was right. I'm guessing it's 1 tsp. Many of the recipes called for bay leaves. I may try that. Some also called for various other spices. Paprika, nutmeg, peppercorns and crushed red pepper flakes. I probably won't try any of these.

Be sure to read the wikipedia article that I linked above. It's really accurate.
And tri-staters, give me your thoughts.

Long Overdue Linkage

I haven't done linkage in a while. Here is some new stuff.

In light of the late unpleasantness in the middle east, I'm going to put out this link. Here is a photo essay of young Israeli girls doing their compulsory military service. Notice that they are not EVER allowed to be separated from their weapons. Even in the shower, it would appear.

And speaking of mildly surreal. Here are poorly drawn cartoons, which illustrate spam subject lines. I tried to find a favorite, but you will want to look at all of them anyway, so here is the first.

Who knew this guy could be this funny, this often?

I'm sure you think you've seen this before, but I'll bet you haven't. It is auctions that are going for less than a buck, in less than an hour, and most of them currently have no bids. Basically, stuff that is about to be given away (plus shipping & handling).
Some of this stuff is dicey, but a lot of it is for real.

Some of you may have seen this before, but it's fun, so I'll throw it in again. (I love tests.) I scored 9 out of 10.

Finally, you can call me childish or juvenile if you want, but how could I possibly resist a website called Booger Cam?

John Stossel owes me $1000

In John Stossel's recent book "Lies, Myths and Downright Stupidity" he claims that governments can NEVER provide a service as well, or as cheaply, as private enterprise. He goes on to offer $1000 to anyone who can show him a counter example. Well, Mr. Stossel, I'm here to collect my KiloBuck.

Several years ago, we adopted a dog from a friend of a friend because he couldn't keep it. It was the same breed as our dog and we thought they would get on well together. Well, as it turned out, the dog had been abused, and was untrainable. While this was disappointing and frustrating, we dealt with it. Then the dog started biting children, and we ran out of patience. We took the dog to the local Humane Society to have it euthanised. Let me describe this place.

The subtle smell of animal feces hits you as soon as you get out of the car. By the time you open the front door, it smacks you in the face. It is stomach-turning. I have to wait in line about 20 minutes for my turn. While I'm waiting, another family arrives with three dogs in tow. They cannot afford to feed them any more, so they are having them put down. The biggest one,the Labrador, deficates in the vestibule. No one bothers to clean it up for another 10 minutes. Everyone but me has brought their used-up pets into the building while they wait, so the smell and noise is frightening. The apathetic hippies behind the counter, in their Grateful Dead t-shirts don't seem to notice.

When it comes to my turn, they start the questions. Name and address. Pet's name. License status, et cetera. They also want to know a lot of stuff that I don't understand. Shots and medical history. I'm bringing the dog in to be euthanized. I don't see how his worming status is important. Nevertheless, I get the paperwork done, pay them $60 and they ask me to bring the dog in. As I hand the dog over to them, they remind me a second time that I am relinquishing all rights to the dog, including the right to inquire as to it's adoption status. I just barely signed a statement to that affect and you have already told me once. Moreover, this is a dog who bites kids, craps on the carpet and chews on anything that is not made of steel. The LAST thing I want is for it to be adopted.

Fast forward to yesterday.

My dog, Artic [sic] is old and infirm. He needs to be put down, but I keep thinking he will last a little longer. He is something of a living legacy to my Father-in-Law, as he had belonged to Oscar before he died. The kids love the connection, and frankly, so do the wife and I. But he can hardly walk any more, can't hear at all, and has started sprouting sores. Yesterday an abscess burst behind his ear, in a place that he couldn't clean, and it made a mess that looked like he had lost a fight. It was time. The wife called the vet. He wants $80 to put the dog down. And he doesn't know if he has an appointment available. Call back tomorrow. (No thanks). Next, she calls Sandy City. They forward her to Animal Control. They tell us that they are sorry for our sick dog and can take him for $25.
Sounds good.
I put the dog in the car and drive to Sandy City Animal Control. I walk in, and tell them I have a sick dog that needs to be euthanized. They immediately recognize that this is the dog that the wife had called about, and skip all the questions about why I'm bringing them the dog. They hand me a one page form to fill out. Name and address stuff, and they tell me to skip all the adoption questions. Thanks. They ask me if the dog can walk, and I said "Just barely". They offer to have me pull the car around back so that they can just carry the dog in. I assure them that he can walk from the car to the door. I give them their $25 and go to get the dog. As we walk in, the dog sniffs a bit. I sniff a bit. I can smell a faint hint of Febreeze. What I don't smell, not at all, not even a little bit, is dog or cat feces. At this point, I also notice that I don't hear any dogs barking or terrified cats crying. The office is cool, quiet and peaceful. As I bring the dog in, an officer meets me and takes the leash. Then he stands completely still and silent while I say Good-bye to the dog. I ruffled the dogs mane, said "Be good, Puppy", and turn and leave as quickly as I can so that they don't see me starting to cry.

No one ever wants to lose a dog that they have cared for for 15 years and raised up with 5 kids. But since every dog will have to be dealt eventually, I say that Sandy City Animal Control is one class act.

Mr. Stossel, you owe me $1000.

I Had A DreamThe famous people list

So, I had one of my rare dreams last night. Yeah, I know, psychologists will tell you that everyone dreams every night, but I don't. If I did, I would remember them, right? Ok, so last night was the exception. Here is the really important dream.

I somehow got into the Academy Awards, by knowing that they had changed the location, and getting in before they closed the doors to the public.
You see, in my dreams, the Academy Awards are just held in a convention center somewhere.
I said 'I', but I meant 'we'. There were 5 of us. I remember that much distinctly. But the only other person in that 5 that I can remember was my Mother-in-Law. (Hi Mom).

There was a rather panicked incident backstage with a lost iPod, until it was determined that the iPod had been lost when we were all at home, not at the convention center. Yes, my life works like that in my dreams too.
Then we get into the buffet.
And this is the important part.
In my dream world, every famous person in Hollywood shows up before the Oscars to a big buffet to eat steam table food on banquet tables. While I was in line waiting for the tongs to pick up some sort of chicken croquet, I was getting pushed along by John Goodman. He was poking me in the ribs telling me to hurry up. When I got my food and sat down, I was doing the starstruck routine, and the other people with me were shocked that I had never met a famous person before, or that I didn't know as many as my wife (who knows everyone).

So here, for the record, is a list of every famous person I can remember meeting.

Roma Downey. Met her once at one of the wife's adoption gigs.
Mark Eaton. Same thing.
Kathy Lee Gifford. All I can say is that she doesn't treat her staff very well. Oh. And she has personal staff to carry her crap and watch her kids.
Regis. Shook his hand, and that's about it. He seems every bit as nice in person as on T.V. I think he's the celebrity that I wish I could have got to know better.
Dave Wakeling. (of the English Beat and General Public) I like him. He seems comfortable all the time. Even when meeting smitten fans. I just noticed that it says the same thing about him on his website, so, there you go.

[Edit]
Ken Jennings. I met him at a book signing and then exchanged a few blog entries and emails with him. He doesn't get my sense of humor. I'll still put him second on my list of celebs I wish I'd gotten to know better.
[/Edit]

Near misses:
Ian McCulloch (Echo and the Bunnymen) Shared an airplane with him once in about 1990. I mentioned him to my traveling companion, a little too loud, and he turned around and gave me a dirty look. Come on, guy, get over yourself. How many people would have recognized you. Even in 1990.
Irena Slutskaya. She was posing for snapshots while I was waiting in line at the Olympics. She's really cute.

I suppose I should try to write a list of famous people that my wife has met, but really what would be the point. She has met Oprah. What else is there after that?

Black people redux

I haven't posted in quite a while. My biggest problem is that I never think I can write something funny enough.
Well, I'm going to get over that.

Back in March, I did a post about "Black People Love Us". Neither of my black friends has disowned me, so I'm going to push my luck. I don't know that I understand Dave Chapelle. He seems to be doing the same joke over and over. Much like Chris Rock and Carlos Mencia. Nonetheless, I was slapped down and assured that Carlos IS funny, so what do I know.

So, having admitted that I don't understand the humor, I must say that this I know Black People video gets me every time.

Especially the question about Menthol cigarettes.
Oh. And any clip featuring Charlie Murphy. Definately the funnier of the Murphy brothers. (p.s. I'm pretty sure neither of them is really Irish.)

Tune in again tomorrow for another not very funny post.